"I love you, I got you"

It’s late at night and I should be studying. But for a little over two months now my mind and heart have been racing with emotions and thoughts and spiritual ponderings over the events that have been occurring in the world around me. I’ve started this blog several times – I have created three different word documents now. Each contains paragraphs of notes, personal stories, small observations, quotes, articles, and scripture.

These are some of the specific large scale events that I reference;

On October 27, 2015 the LDS Church wrote a letter to members of the Church encouraging members to help with the refugee crisis in Europe. The LDS church has spent millions of dollars there throughout the past decade and committed $5 million more in September. I was proud of my church and to have already been a part of a small effort to raise money for the crisis – weeks prior we had a special Family Home Evening where we taught Lacy about the crisis and helped her be part of a fundraising project where she donated her own money.

On Nov. 05, 2015 the LDS Church made news across the country with a policy change concerning children of same-sex marriages. Ultimately, the Church cut itself out of these families/lifestyles and eliminated potential future conflict.  My social media exploded with conviction, emotion, confusion, and only some love and acceptance.

On November 13, 2015 Paris was under attack by terrorist plots to kill and hurt. The refugee crisis quickly came into light again. My social media exploded with conviction, emotion, confusion, and only some love and acceptance.

On December 02, 2015 in San Bernardino, CA two individuals with apparent terrorist motivations shot and killed 14 people and left 21 others injured. My social media exploded with conviction, emotion, confusion, and only some love and acceptance.

Among my own family, we’ve been consistent with our perspective on each of these emotional events. Nevertheless, my mind doesn’t stop racing with this question, “What should I do?” I find a constant battle within myself as I try and determine if I should say something, or comment on a post, or update my status, or take a position.  And if I do then what should I say and how should I say it.  Well, today I’m going to make it clear of what I’ll do each and every time. I want to be undoubtedly clear about what position I’ll take. But first, here’s the story that got me to stop studying and start writing all this down.

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Stephanie Rose (Martinez) Baldwin was a Sister that I served with on my LDS mission in Florida. I think she hated me for a while. I remember legitimately feeling like she couldn’t stand my guts. But for some reason, I couldn’t help myself but appreciate her more and more and just be out-of-the-way cheesy nice to her. However, it seemed to me, that the more I demonstrated my appreciation the more I felt like she disliked me. And the more I felt like she disliked me, the more I appreciated her. And so it went for months. She has since confirmed that our torturous cycle of like and dislike was not in my head.

Eventually, I cornered her. I vividly remember asking her what I needed to do to put us on good terms. Unfortunately, I have absolutely no memory of the rest of that conversation. :o BUT, I continued to appreciate her. Some weeks later (I’m foggy on the timeline) my roommate and I returned home and, to our total surprise, we found home-made Rice Krispie treats mysteriously awaiting us inside. The story could end there and I think we’d all be satisfied. But with the delightfully scrumptious treats came a note containing the “10 things I love about Elder Kienzle” from Sister Martinez. I never felt the dislike, confusion, or hate again – those feelings had been fully and unsparingly replaced with love, respect, mutual appreciation, and peace. Six years later, she was one of the few people that helped me pay for a trip to Guatemala where I treated the underserved in a free clinic, shaped my future as a physician, and changed the foundation of how my family looks at service. Apparently, love paid off. Strangers turned into family and hate turned into love.

On December 02, 2015 I got to see Stephanie again, but this time on national news. Her sister had been shot. I watched from the comfort of my home as Stephanie recounted the short, tear filled phone call and recalled the three most important words any human can hear, "I love you".  After feeling a bullet enter her back, Denise called Stephanie and combated her fear with that simple yet profound proclamation. 

The final point of my story is that Denise survived. She survived because of the sacrificial commitment of another. She survived because of the love of a man, Shannon Johnson, who put his arm around her and declared three other words that will always echo in her heart, “I got you.” Amidst the chaos of bullets in the air and the hate of the assailants, Denise will “always remember [those] three words” and most certainly the love and life they represent.

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And with that story, my heart and mind have been settled. Whether I be in times of adversity and conflict or moments of doubt and fear, I will respond like Denise and Shannon and countless others before them; “I love you, I got you.” Because even when some silly sister missionary seems to despise your guts or somebody shoots you in the back, love is the remedy that heals all wounds and cures every disease.

During the past couple of months, I looked out on the world and I saw gangs in El Salvador, bigotry and hate in America, lost children and weeping mothers in the Middle East, burnt and demolished homes in Syria, and confusion across the globe.

The world around me seemed to perfectly reflect the words of my favorite Christmas song. I saw clearly how hate rang strong and mocked the song of Peace on Earth.

And in Despair, I bowed my head

There is no peace on Earth I said

For hate is strong and mocks the song

Of Peace on Earth goodwill to men

But

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep

God is not dead, nor does he sleep,

The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,

With peace on Earth goodwill to men

And so the past couple of months have helped me to affirm my now most deeply held belief that love will prevail.  And so I will love you. I love my God and I love he who hates my God. Be you straight, gay, Christian, or Jew I will love you. If you’re Muslim, Gentile, Syrian, Red-neck, rich or poor I will love you. If you love me or hate me I’ll love you.  I’m thankful to be a part of this world and I’m thankful for the role that you play in it. I’m thankful for the very special role that you play in my life and my development.

My religion may be very different than yours. My skin may be a different color, I may speak a different language, and my beliefs may directly conflict with yours. But, with those beliefs come the love and respect I have for you as my brother or sister with a divine potential that I will help you to realize through my love.

I love you, I got you.

Devon Kienzle

Hiking thourgh Life

After a long weekend, a horrendous test, and a practical exam, I decided to go on a hike today. And it turned into the craziest hike of my life! I doubt I would have died (though it was definitely possible) but I've never been so close to finding a way to contact search and rescue. Now I’ll share what my hike taught me about life.

Story Background

I was on my way to an average hike and then decided to save that particular hike for Beth. Plus, I had remembered a dirt road south of boulder city that I never got to finish exploring. I had high hopes that it would lead me to somewhere near the Colorado River. After 4x4 crawling my way through a dirt road that “Blue Baby” handled with ease (not really - this road was definitely not made for a Hyundai), the road ended miles later with the Colorado River in the distance. There was definitely no trail and I could see that the descent would be steep and that there were a few canyons to navigate but it seemed like a straight enough shot. So I went for it!

Look for the Metaphors

I was pretty pumped. I started down the canyon with enthusiasm. I even set up some trail markers to make sure I knew my way back. I felt pretty confident about my spacing and I continued that for a while – I was pretty dang happy about my trail markers.

Eventually, I started to get complacent about setting them up, I was pretty sure I’d find my way and I was annoyed finding rocks to set up. I continued on my way, content with the markers I had set up. After navigating through some canyons, and climbing some mountains to get to where I wanted I found a beautiful spring.

I was mesmerized by it as it would duck into the ground and then appear later. The flora was also luscious at this point and I followed the creek bed all the way to the river. I found a snake, some frogs, and evidence of other wildlife. Once at the river, I ate some lunch, relaxed, swam, and hung out with some new duck buddies.

I soon decided it was time to start the trek back. I followed the creek bed that I was so impressed by and SOMEHOW missed my turn. I eventually realized that things didn't seem familiar but I continued onward – confident in my abilities.

After hours of climbing, I made it all the way to…. Somewhere. I climbed a peak and realized that I was NOWHERE near where I needed to be. I tried a few other canyons and realized that there was no hope in sight. Depressed and frustrated, I resolved that I must return to the creek. Once at the creek and refocused, I immediately recognized the turn I had missed. I headed up and made another wrong turn that ended me up at peak with no way down or around. I returned to the mistake. Then I headed up again, made a wrong turn (I think) and realized that I wasn't sure again. This seemed to happen over and over again.

It started to get dark as the sun disappeared behind the ridge that marked where I had parked (which was fully out of sight). By this point I was exhausted; I had ran out of water and replaced it with 1.5L of spring water (which I ultimately drank all of), I had almost fell to my doom – just barely hanging on to some rocks, my muscles had never ached with tremors like they were beginning to, I seemed to be taking resting breaks every 5 minutes, and I had already designated several places as potentially good spots to spend the night.

I was just about to give up hope.

So I prayed. I prayed that He would help me listen to His guidance, to help me remember where I had been, for strength so my legs wouldn't give out the next time I had to traverse a cliff, and for forgiveness for not being wiser.

Apparently, I found my way out and was able to literally crawl up the ridge to where my car was.

Several Lessons Learned; here is ONE

In our lives we establish patterns and find tools which we incorporate into our lives because they help us find joy and peace.  But sometimes, we neglect to make sure that those patterns are consistently implemented and that the tools are always utilized. Sometimes we forego what is important because a spring pops up that seems so very attractive or because we simply think we've gotten good enough to not need the trail markers’ guidance.

Then, when we take a wrong turn, we have nowhere to go but away from what is right. This is where the canyons fascinated me. Just like in a maze, I took one wrong turn but ended up so far in the opposite direction that I had NO idea where I was. Our lives, filled with variety and choices and diversity, are like mazes that need to be carefully navigated.

Trail markers are like true friends, the scriptures, prayer, family, etc. They stay still, strong and steadfast, waiting for you to return to remind you of the way that you had initially intended. The more true friends and good habits that we acquire, the more patterns of righteousness that we develop, and the more tools we utilize, the safer and less lost we will be as we navigate the canyons of life. And then when we make a wrong turn, for surely we will, the way back is only a short distance – instead of all the way back to the beginning.

We must remember that we can always go back. We can always repent and start over and try to make things right.

Eventually, my hope was restored as I remembered from whence I had come and made it to the destination.

As my last, and most important lesson, I remembered that even when life is so hard, flowers can appear in the rocky desert landscape.

The Water of Life is always flowing. He is always available to provide the hope to conquer our worries and the strength to ease our burdens.

I am thankful for the trail markers in my life that guide me home. I am thankful for my wife and family. And most significantly, I am thankful for the Water that is freely available to ease my every concern.

Dating our own Normality

Today, a good friend of mine confessed, “I don’t really know what dating is.” First off, I consider this medical student friend educated, mature, and pretty put together. I shared some of my thoughts based on my experiences and mentioned the “3 P’s of Dating”; 1)Planning, Paying, and Pairing (https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/06/dating-versus-hanging-out?lang=eng).

Later, I read a blog posted by Elizabeth about our relationship. Mostly, Beth wrote about how she was so proud of the normal we have established. I am too.

Mostly, however, I’m thankful for the normal we established when we were dating. I didn’t realize it then but all the planning, and the paying, and the pairing was preparing us for all that we have now – which I love. 

Beth also posed a question in her blog that I’d like to take a moment to address, “Normal to me is Devon being gone all except an hour a night for dinner, staying up until midnight to clean and prepare for the next day and being in a constant state of zombie like tiredness. Is that normal? I hope it isn’t the normal I will be embracing for the rest of my life, but maybe for the next few years, but what do I know?” http://elizabethkienzle.blogspot.com/ .  Unfortunately, I think that this may very well be a close variation to the normal we will have for the rest of our lives.

As I look at how my life has progressed I can see certain landmarks;

1.       Preparing for a mission (hard),
2.       Going on a mission (harder),
3.       Finding/Convincing a special lady to marry me (very harder),
4.       Finishing School/Having Children/Mother’s death/MCAT/bishopric calling (wow that was intense),
5.       Figuring out how to sustain and progress after school/2 jobs/applying to medical school/second child/owning a home/selling a home/moving (It all seemed pretty summative at this point) (for some reason that was intenser)
6.       Start medical school/study/study/study/study/family/family/family/daily scripture study/family prayers/church callings/ “Beth’s Normal” (Oh my goodness I can hardly handle the intensity!)
7. 
   

It seems clear that although our normal has gotten more dynamic (It seems harder but I don’t feel like that is the right word) and has molded our expectations it has also gotten inexplicably and exponentially much better. Years ago I “learned” the following principle that I’ve been understanding more and more, “the more faithful service you give, the more the Lord asks of you. Your smile is a happy one because you know that He increases our power to carry the heavier load.” (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/o-ye-that-embark?lang=eng.)  I think that Henry Eyring was trying to tell Elizabeth and me that, as we serve God and choose the right, our normal is going to get better and better – in a very dynamic and more exhausting way. And I hope it does!

Back to my friend’s comment, dating is the thing we do that readies us to spend an eternity with someone you can and get to love. If planned properly, it prepares us to dedicate our lives to each other, to our children, and to the service of others.  I’ll close with a story and a lesson.

When Beth turned 18 I planned an extra-ordinary date. I wanted to make her feel special. We went on a sea plane ride over Seattle. We went to Pike’s Place Market. And we went to the most expensive restaurant I could find (which was a really dumb idea ;) ). I used to joke that if I wanted her to be available after my mission I would have to be impressive enough to not compare to the competitors.  What I didn’t realize then is that I wasn’t impressing her (if anything she thought I was ridiculous). I was paying for our future. I was preparing a foundation for an eternal pair. Through all the elaborate and special dates I planned, a picnic at Poulsbo bay, a hike with a steak dinner at the end, a walk through a park, a Mariners’ game, a trip to the pound, star-gazing, or a drive to the temple I was preparing for a future normal that would become something that I could have never anticipated. We were getting to know each other and establishing our priorities (like my mission and our church service). We were deciding what normal would be in our futures. And it turns out that I also love our normal! And I love how we’ve continued to define with the things that matter most; family and service to others. I love our zombie like tiredness.

Elizabeth, if I can wake up every day next to you, and if we both wake up tired, droopy eyed, sore, and exhausted – with just enough energy to roll out of bed and on to our knees for our morning prayers - I promise that I will have a spectacularly cheesy smile on my face because I get to spend another normal morning with you. I know that our faithful service to the everlasting covenant which we’ve made with each other will allow Him to change our hearts to fit us for a celestial companionshiphttps. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/o-ye-that-embark?lang=eng&query=easier, . Thank you for continuing to help my heart change.